i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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