please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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