dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
