Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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