if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
