I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
