why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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