Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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