If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
