I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You've changed since you got that strap on
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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