I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Two words: nipple clamps
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