enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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