I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
