she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am midnight drunk by noon
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
