Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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