So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
