Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
