I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
