So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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