I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
