i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
