Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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