pop tarts are not kleenex
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
