Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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