my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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