I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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