when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
