If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
