I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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