Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
