cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
