after a month anything with tits is on the radar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
