the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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