I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize