He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
