1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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