You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
