Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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