I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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