Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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