I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
