I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
