i always forget guys have bellybuttons
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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