i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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