i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
