It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
