I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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