This beer is not sobering me up at all
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
