Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
