we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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