walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize