WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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