I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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