I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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