You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
