You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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