threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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