we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
