Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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